Tell Laura I Love Her...And Not to Sue

In 1960, Ray Peterson had a #1 hit with the lost-love genre song, “Tell Laura I Love Her.” There were many such songs (huh? Otherwise that would not be a “genre,” Milquetoast!) but that was the only one that ever made me cry.

In the shower, which is where most of my thoughts originate(including those not suitable for publication), I decided that such an accident today would elicit the following litigation and protection from future such horrors, as only the trial lawyers and our government can provide:

1) Laura would sue the race track for the loss of her love and she would win even though the tabloids had already reported that Tommy was “with” other women and was about to leave Laura anyway. The award would be super-sized as she stated during the trial that she hoped to get pregnant so "the accident" cost her Tommy's sperm donation as well. Tommy was not around to rebut that argument.
2) OSHA would hire ten extra staff, at wages far higher than the $1,000 Tommy hoped to win at the racetrack, and spend months investigating the racetrack for safety violations, thereby, in conjunction with Laura’s suit, forcing the race track in to bankruptcy.
3) OSHA would find nothing (but see #5 below) but neither an apology nor a cost reimbursement was in order and would never be tendered…since there COULD have been a violation.
4) Congress rushed to pass a law, with some number of cold and uncaring Republicans dissenting, that in order for any future driver at any racetrack to file for an event, s/he would have to produce a certificate that s/he had taken a course in “defensive high-speed driving.” The fees would be stiff and would be used for drug and sex education in the government-run pre-schools.
5) As OSHA was wrapping up its well-“spun” and widely-publicized investigation, one of that organization’s staff slipped on a slick of some sort and, per protocol, notified the EPA of the mysterious substance. Presuming guilt, the EPA would fine the racetrack several million dollars and place the racetrack on the EPA Superfund. Later, it would be discovered that approximately one gallon of gasoline had been spilled but the spill had (as it so happened) killed a colony of endangered-species ants. The multi-million dollar fine remained in place, $100 for each ant lost in this travesty...and to cover the cost of the efficiently-run investigation
6) The Energy department just to make sure the public never suffered this multi-faceted tragedy again, would cease sales of government-owned gasoline to the racetrack.
7) Consistent with our country's thirst for “change and hope” corporate law was modified retroactively to allow the Feds and Laura to take all personal assets of the now-demonized and reclusive racetrack owners.

The racetrack owners were lucky; they all had heart attacks (that is not the "lucky" part) but health care reform had not yet been implemented so they really did receive quality health care (THAT'S the "lucky" part). Because they had no money the state paid the medical bills. The shame of helping these criminal racetrack owners!

Can you imagine the outcome of “Moody River” or Last Kiss” in a land that has finally learned to enjoy the real value of “change”?

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