COLLYER MANSION, or, WHY MUST MY WIFE HAVE SO MUST STUFF?

In the fire business history in the Northeast is a notable condition called “The Collyer Mansion."  Before I proceed, look at the Wikipedia discussion (no need if you are willing to accept my brief digest after the link):

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Collyer_brothers

In a nutshell two brothers lived in hoarding conditions in New York City in the early-to-mid 1900s.  When they died from more or less natural causes, ten tons of garbage….er….collectibles, was hauled away.  One body was found under a stack of newspapers that had fallen on him. To this day, even over dispatch radio first responders will be warned of cluttered scenes, occasionally referred to as “Collyer.”

Walking the mall, one of the two locations at which I do my best thinking, I came to the realization that while I live in conditions not as serious, I must stay on my toes to avoid injury and to accommodate my own miserly storage requirements.

Only recently have I no longer had to stand back from the freezer door when I open it, no longer afraid a heavy roast is going to fall on me.  My wife, the supervisor of the freezer, says she knows everything stored there. I don’t think so. I watch her as she looks in wonderment at something she has removed from the rear of the freezer.  The package is frosted on the inside from years of freezer cycling. Ask her? She knew it was there all the time; just had no previous use for it.  

Our master bedroom has a beautiful closet, 7’ by 13’ with a 9’ ceiling.  Three sides (the fourth side is the door and if we installed shelves on that side it would be difficult to walk in and out) have shelves and hanger bars nearly to the floor and nearly to the ceiling.  I won’t keep you in suspense with a question. The amount of space I am allowed, in linear feet can be counted on both of my hands, with all the fingers missing.  Does she feel bad about this?  Oh, she pretends to but I ain’t buying it.  Her storage does offer me exercise that supplements my walking the mall; every three months she has me removing and replacing everything on the shelves, so that she can transfer clothing to and from the additional basement storage, depending on the season.  It is never wise to mix summer and winter clothing; of course she knows that. In the basement we have two 40’ walls.  One, has three shelves and stores more of her clothing and passe hobbies, probably 30’ of that wall belongs to her.  Because the shelves are mounted on solid studs it is unlikely there is any risk of collapse and injury. On the other side, there is about 30’ of available storage.  HERE, over about 15’ linear feet I keep MY odds and ends. The remaining is household goods, the furnace and the water heater.

Back upstairs, we have a second bedroom/den.  There is a closet in that bedroom, about 3’ deep by 6’ wide.  Fortunately for me, that is my closet. Not all of it of course; about a third of that closet is home to extra blankets, pillows, sheets, that we have for guests.  This means that I have about 3’ by 4’ of storage. I am lucky enough to have a hanging dowel the full length of the closet.  

Available electrical outlets are restricted as well.  Both of us have numerous devices that must be “charged,” so we had extra outlets installed in our co-op when it was built and extra outlets added even afterwards.  There are 10 available outlets in the bathroom alone. I suppose I should feel fortunate she only uses 7 of them. That is “equitable,” right? I have my shaver and electric toothbrush and there is one hidden spare. It will remain hidden, just in case. I have a power bar on my nightstand. She discovered not all the outlets are used. Yesterday she received a rechargeable mini-shaver from Amazon (where else?) THAT is now plugged in to my power bar. To my good fortune, no one ever visits our bedroom, except for the three cats who own it. Should a visitor think that shaver was mine, I am not sure how I could defend myself.

On the counters and shelves I have deodorant, cologne, Preparation H, an anti-itch cortisone cream and mouthwash; virtually all the drawers and all remaining horizontal space is consumed with articles she never uses. There are a few towels under the bathroom sink and toilet paper on a metal shelf opposite the sink. We both use those.  Believe it or not I was wrong thinking there were many things she did not use. I recently told her I thought she never used some of the items in the bathroom.  She uses everyone of them and I believe her; but if those tools were mine I would have never recalled where everything was or what I used them for.

Toward the defense of all professional women, I believe women do require a larger wardrobe than men, especially since most of my later working life I wore polo or T-shirts and jeans; neither my second nor third wives (I am not collecting wives) could have gotten away with that. My second wife and I "shared" a walk-in closet, probably 5' wide by 8' deep, shelved and dowel'd on three sides. She was not quite the collector that my third wife is so I did have about 1/3 of the closet and because our bathroom had a long counter and double sink I had adequate space for my meager male accessories. That learning helped me live with my current seriously limited personal space.

My only question, based on the notion that “space begets clutter,” is, “if we had a house twice as large, would she double her collectibles?

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